October 2004
Listening, not lecturing
Remember…you are helping your teen
to exercise his/her brain
* Avoid telling teens “this is how it is going to
be”
* Ask open-ended questions and hear what their perspectives are; let them
exercise their brain
* Work on finding a solution together
Avoid telling teens "this is how it's going to be." Be respectful by asking for their perspective of the situation - and really listen to them. Devote your attention to what they are saying. To show that you are listening, you can also use phrases such as:
“Sounds like you are saying…”
”Do you mean that…”
“When that happens to me, I feel like…Is it like that for you?”
Ask open-ended questions instead of yes-no or closed questions: Open-ended questions require that the teen respond with more than a one-word answer. Questions that require only a one-word answer are called closed questions. To get teens to expand their conversation, use an open-ended question.
Don't solve problems for them. To let them exercise their brain, look for opportunities for them to make their own decisions. Resist the urge to offer too much advice or tell them what to do. Help them figure it out themselves by asking questions that will guide their decisions.
Work on finding a solution together.
Be ready to listen to what your teen needs. It may seem like you disagree about everything with your teen. Teens need to question “the norm” to figure out what makes sense to them and learn how to think for themselves. Make sure to clearly express your desires, listen to their concerns, and find a solution together.